It was another cold afternoon when my phone rang. On the other end was my son, Ashton. He was shopping with his dad and asked, “mom, will you go half with my dad on a pair of shoes that I really want?" This was just after Christmas and I had already purchased new shoes for him. In addition, he has about five pair of other shoes. I was open minded and listened as he rarely asks for things. So when he does, I am normally happy to buy it. But not this time. How much are we talking about, Ashton? He responded, “They are $200 so your half is $100. Haha. “Absolutely not, you’re crazy! I don’t even spend that on myself” was my reply. I then hung up the phone on him. His dad didn’t cave and just pay the remainder, but suggested that he earn the other 1/2 by washing cars, etc. He even mentioned that Ashton should ask me to wash my car for a fee. When his father relayed that to me, I nearly choked and said, “You’re kidding, right? Ummm, you must not know me well as I would never pay my son to do chores.”
Ashton overheard the conversation and came over laughing. “See dad, I told you she wouldn’t go for it.” He hasn’t asked me once for the money since. I figured he could be resourceful and use his own money or earn it another way. I guess we’ll see how bad he wants them.
While talking to my friends, I realized many of their kids don’t have chores. I was quite surprised by that. I started chores with my son at a young age. None of them were paid jobs though. The idea behind it was to help him build discipline and responsibility. It has helped mold his character. I pay for clothes, food, shelter, baseball, football, basketball, karate, private lessons, band, etc. Why, because he’s my son. I ask him to pay me back in love.
I’m his mother and for that reason, he will do what’s expected of him. It seems like second nature to help your parents out. He would never do something for me expecting something in return. I should be able to depend on him (just like he depends on me). We’re in this together. I can’t do everything alone. I tell him once to get something done. No back talking, no questioning. Yes ma’am. I expect nothing less.
I remind him often of the good life he has. In return, he’s happy to wash my car, rake leaves, scoop poop, cut grass, etc. He understands that he has to contribute his part. I would never allow him to live under my roof as a lazy child. He does the same chores I do. We have terrific communication. When he pays his own bills, he can make his own rules. Until then, my rules, my way.
Ashton has close to $1,500 of his own money saved. He has his own bank account that he deposits the money in. He has been saving since I could remember. You can spend half, save half, son. Most of the time, it’s the latter. He gives me his money to put aside. I no longer have to oversee it as much or give him advice on what to do with it.
Having responsibility makes him accountable for his actions. He’s learned discipline and structure. He understands what decision-making means. I do allow him to make decisions within reason. It makes him feel powerful. We have weekly meeting to talk about expectation and scheduling for that week. It also shows me he can be trusted. It shows his strength. I’m proud of the son I’ve raised. I’ve put a lot of effort into building certain characteristics in him.
You’ll NEVER, I mean, NEVER not hear him show gratitude. There are times I get up to 10 thank yous in a day. Thank you mom for taking me to practice, thank you for dinner, thank you helping me with homework. My reward is when someone compliments my kid’s attitude and behavior. That’s what tells me I’m doing a good job.
If you ask your child to do something and they a) look at you crazy b) tell you no or c) ask, “how much are you going to pay me?”, then maybe it’s time to restructure. Kids need tough love.
Hey, you want to earn money, be resourceful. What ways can you earn money? Get them to think and write a plan down. After football season this year, he started doing his own laundry because I got tired of washing clothes all the time. He is also old enough at 12 to do it. Not once have I had to remind him to wash his laundry since. He’s even done mine when I’ve been busy. It really is a win-win situation.
Chores have also helped him stay humble. For a year now, I’ve been asking him if he wanted a new bat. His answer has always been no. What kid would turn that down? After his birthday this past summer, he got about $500 in cash and gift cards. The ones he thought I could use, he asked if I wanted them. The gesture melted my heart. Baby, how about I just hold them for you and you can buy something later? Well, he’s only spent about 2 or 3 of them. When I asked him what he wanted for Christmas, his reply was, “not much, I have everything I want.” It’s that sweet little heart that motivates me to be the mom I am. For those reasons, I’m happy to surprise him with things or make it a point to let him know that I appreciate him too.
Don’t think it doesn’t cost me; I just do it in a different way. My way is character building. My Christmas gift from him this year was him detailing my car. I swear I thought Santa was real when I drove it the next morning. He did it without my knowledge. Wow, he never fails to impress me. Him taking the initiative is really starting to shine.
I don’t want to knock you parents that don’t give your kids chores. This is not a judgment blog. It’s a story to show you the benefits it has had on my family. I rarely get upset, raise my voice or asking for something twice. It allows our relationship to grow. It allows us to move on to bigger life lessons. We’re always working on new ones. We’ll never stop growing together. We live in a low stress environment. Besides his normal upkeeps (clean bathroom, living room, trash, bedroom, laundry), he'll be raking leaves and work on some other home projects this week.
When I started molding him and he'd give resistance, I'd have a few things to say:
Ashton understands there is compromise in every relationship. He understand the importance of giving. So whether it plays out in his positive attitude, chores, etc., he will give it his all.
My philosophy is simple. Wear a velvet glove over an iron fist. More to come…
Ann Marie
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